Spring-clean Your Relationship
By Charlotte Robert
Marie Claire magazine - JULY 2005

Is your relationship plagued with negative feelings and misconceptions? Psychologist Pam Guneratnam identifies four problem areas in relationships and provides helpful tips.

THE PROBLEM: Accumulated Negative Feelings
When couples argue, they tend to bring up past arguments and issues that happened years ago. Along with it they bring their feelings of accumulated hurt, bitterness and anger.

PSYCHOLOGIST'S TAKE: When couples keep bringing up the past, it prevents them from actually relating to the present situation. Dredging up past hurts and arguments and bringing it into the present argument means they are not arguing about the current situation anymore. This prevents the current argument from being addressed and settled.

It would help if couples could use a simple formula to help them stay in the present argument. First, they have to be specific in stating the issue that they are arguing about. For example they can say, "You did not call my mother on her birthday." Next, they have to state how they feel about the issue, for example, "I am disappointed that you did not call her." Finally, tell your partner what you want them to do - "I wish you had called her because it would have meant so much to her." By using this simple formula, couples can actually keep their arguments in the present and not in the past.

If you do have accumulated negative feelings which seem to keep coming up in your disagreements and arguments with your partner, it is best to take time to deal with it. If you can't forgive and forget, then see a counsellor for help. Dealing with past issues can be difficult for most couples, as there tends to be a lot of blaming and defensiveness. A trained counsellor can do a lot to help guide a couple through past hurts in a healthy way.

THE PROBLEM: Harmful Patterns of Communication

Harmful patterns of communication involve throwing all kinds of words at each other which damages the relationship. These are usually generalised, provoking or harsh start-up statements. Generalised statements include sentences such as "You never do ……" or "You are always doing ……" Provoking statements are statements such as "Now you have gone and done it again, how stupid can you be" or "You are as wicked as your mother." Harsh start-up statements happen when one party doesn't pause to think before they speak. Instead they just vent and blurt out whatever comes to mind without thinking about its effect on their partner.

PSYCHOLOGIST'S TAKE: Many people think that whatever is said in anger is the truth; they think that their partner is so angry that they are finally stating exactly how they feel. The fact is when someone is angry they are not speaking the truth; instead, they are saying things to hurt the other person back because they have been hurt.

In general, provoking and harsh start-up statements usually begin an argument which then escalates and has a bad ending. In this situation, the real issues never get resolved because the angry couple are busy fighting about how the issue was presented.

If one person in a relationship is angry or hurt, it is imperative that the other party keeps their cool. Nothing is achieved if both parties get angry. The 'time-out' method helps couples to hold their temper. Basically, if one party knows that they are going to blow, they should take a time-out and say "Let's not talk about this now, instead let's talk about it tomorrow morning." Or if the partner has already blown up, the injured party can ask for a time out and say "I can see you are really angry right now, let’s call a time out and deal with it when we are both calmer". This is much better than retaliating by hurting back and escalating the argument.

When calling a "time-out" it is important to give the other person a time period as to when you want to talk because otherwise the other party is going to feel abandoned or rejected and have no sense of closure on the issue. When both parties have calmed down sufficiently, then the talking can begin.

THE PROBLEM: Static or Incomplete Picture of Each Other

Human beings are constantly changing and growing. In a marriage however, couples tend to stick to a particular image or view of their partner when in essence, the partner has already moved on and changed.

PSYCHOLOGIST'S TAKE: Spending quality time with each other and getting to know each other better really helps in keeping your view of each other fresh and up to date. It would be a mistake to assume that your partner will always feel or think the same as when you first met them. Be open to the idea that your partner can and will change. To keep yourself updated with your partner's thoughts and views, keep dating him. If you stop making the effort to keep discovering your partner, it is easy for the marriage to become stale and boring. Communication is how couples learn of the changes that are taking place in each other. If the dating stops, then the view you have of your partner remains the same as the one you had before the wedding. Dating develops the friendship which can only help the marital relationship. Even if you can only manage one date a month, do it as an investment in your most important relationship.

THE PROBLEM: Ignorance of Sexual Differences

Men and women perceive sex differently. A lack of understanding in the sexual area can cause a lot of tension and strife in a relationship.

PSYCHOLOGIST'S TAKE: Sex is not an easy topic to discuss, it is easy to feel embarrassed and awkward in sharing one's feelings and thoughts on this subject. There are two basic areas of sexual differences: gender differences and personal preferences.

Gender Differences - Men generally tend to get aroused by sight and achieve arousal much quicker than women. Women are usually not aroused by sight but more by touch and tenderness. Women often need emotional security and a sense of being loved. They may also take longer to get aroused.

Generally as men get older, they take longer to get aroused. This can be very distressing to both the man and the woman and can cause problems in the relationship. The woman may think that the man is not aroused because he does not find her attractive anymore. The man on the other hand may think that the woman does not find him attractive because he takes a long time to get aroused. In actual fact, it's just a matter of ageing.

Personal Differences – For example, a woman may take 20 minutes to get aroused but another woman may take two minutes. The same goes for what arouses a woman; with some it may be touch, and with others it may be words. Each person is different and they have their own individual preferences.

The best way to find out what your partner likes or dislikes is by talking to one another. Asking simple questions about what one's partner enjoys most can often reap surprising and helpful answers. Couples can also explore their preferences together while having sex.

Pam Guneratnam is the director of Calvary Life Ministries, a community counselling center. Those seeking help with their relationships can call 03-7710 3360 or e-mail: clm@clm.org.my or visit the website at www.clm.org.my

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